it’s been a long time since i’ve written. since i last wrote i’ve returned to the u.s. for the foreseeable future, started working again, got a second job teaching art part time, was accepted as an artist in residence at st. pete clay company. in two weeks i’ll move to a small apartment in st. pete down the street from the studio. i guess that’s the good stuff, in a nut shell. it was hard to leave tokyo. there was a moment where i knew i had to do it but it never felt easy. it felt like getting torn out. like a norplant stuck in scar tissue. it sucked. the hardest part was leaving masa, my partner of three years. he understood, i guess. it sounds cliche, but it would have been easier if he had been angry. i had gotten so far away from knowing what it was that i wanted and he was the best thing in my life. but unfortunately for me, having an awesome, kind, good hearted, respectful partner wasn’t enough for me.
i got to the point in january or february where i thought my head was going to explode. when i started crying at a saizarya in roppongi, my friend kiyomi wasn’t fazed. she just told me i needed to stop thinking and just listen to my heart. and that whatever i decided my friends and partner would support me. that was exactly what i needed to hear. i had gone over the facts a million times. the people, relationships, money. but at the end of the day, i couldn’t DEDUCE the right answer. the answer was what it was and the facts were beside the point. thanks for that kiyomi.
i went into a kind of hibrination when i got back. i was totally broke, so i didn’t call anyone, didn’t visit the east coast, just concentrated all my efforts on getting back to work and making money. i also forced myself to keep my nose to the grindstone in creating the best application and support materials i could for st. pete clay and following up on ads i saw online for arty jobs, and checked craigslist everyday.
in tokyo, i don’t think i ever stopped trying. but somehow, despite the energy i put in, none of it seemed to come back to me. my game seemed to be off. there were good times and good things but i couldn’t seem to get the big picture together.
suddenly, the energy i’d been putting out in florida all summer came back to me to the extreme. life is messy and imperfect but right now i have the opportunity to work on many things i am interested in and a chance to follow my passion. and i am able to make some money doing it.
it’s complicated. but in my heart, it feels good.